Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married

It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now

The Universe: hold my beer

If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”

Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

Me: *leans in for a kiss

CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.

I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.

6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.

One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

😎 🍻

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.