So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
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Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I think this should do it.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
This made me chuckle cuz mood
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!