Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.

Me: I burn it when you leave.

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”

I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow

My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!

*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*

Justin: OMG we are so…

Jessica: DON’T say it.

Justin: …N*Sync

Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]

somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol

Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.