So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
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Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime