Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.

Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”

Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no

curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

I have a PhD

Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem

Dietest Coke

I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?

Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.

True.

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

Good morning

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

#WhenIMisspelled ya know.

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.