Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i love health insurance

Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL

Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”

Limited budget

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5

12YO: that’s not how it works

ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?

12YO: both?

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!

My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war