So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
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*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
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“Everybody freeze!”
-November
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Who called it baking and not making love
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now