So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
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Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
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Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
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