So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
