It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
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wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”