So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
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[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑