Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”

Me: what’s in these shots

Doctor: buddy I just work here

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”

Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything