So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
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shit this isn’t my notes app
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.