So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
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some cats are just doing for fun!
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Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”