Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

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The Chosen Phew

My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!

Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.

I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

Me: Bitch, try me.

Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole