So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
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HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Thursday
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”