So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
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Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
They got Raph!
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?