Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”

GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?

culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”

Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps

It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.

Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!

Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!

Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing

[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready

Everyone is awful in their own special way.

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?

me: bears

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

where do you see yourself in five years?

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.