Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Moooooooo”

– bilingual donkey

Me in 2022: when will my child talk

My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

If you had more money you’d be happier.

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom

“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.

*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.