So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
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twitter is a journey
What if all the cashiers are married?
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.