Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

[on my way back to the posting caves]

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

Those are good neighbors.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.

Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?

Spiritist: not tonight love.

Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.

I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.

ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?

work smarter, not harder

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

Me: how d’ya like them apples?

Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

Chinese military tactics are pure genius.