So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
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I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*