Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

[mothers day]

Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.

Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.

Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]

[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.

ㅤ

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

I hired a roofer…

but then he came down with the shingles

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.