Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.

I support this random dude and all his protests

Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach

My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.

Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier

7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?

Of course my days are numbered..

That’s how calendars work.

Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:

Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings

Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

My inexpensive home security system…

You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.