Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.

Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]

Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

[MURDER TRIAL]

JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?

MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.

Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe