So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
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POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed