no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
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I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?