So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
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god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Y’all ready for this
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
SCARY COSTUME
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
how to have an accident 101