So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
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Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Today’s Times
fair
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife