Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there

when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

The morning after pill, but for tweets

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.