So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
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It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese