Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”

What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”

[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!

*points at baby*

Me: You gonna eat that?

This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.

*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?

Me: One bed is good

Greg (my coworker): What?

me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic

AAA: sir this is triple A

me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake

i’m so sick of this guy

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.

JESUS: What’s a martyr?

GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

My wife gives the best headache.

I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.

[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day