So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
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I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
i want it utterly assaulted.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.