So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
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“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Come back with a warrant
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off