So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
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WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too