So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
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A classic…
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
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Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence