Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”

– every stoplight

One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl

*Bites lower lip*

“So this is an abduction then?”

Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

🐦

Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah!

[Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed

I’m the drunk sheep of the family.

My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?