So glad we cleared that up
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“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Lmao
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.