So glad we cleared that up
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
God has left this place
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry