So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
You Might Also Like
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed