So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
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What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted