SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
You Might Also Like
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Another day, another…goddammit
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Need WebMD
