SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
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I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce