Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

😂😂

“No way.” -Jose

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round

9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”

Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…

9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”

Some people were born into their job.

Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?

9: You

Me: What about me?

9: You won’t think its as funny as we do

Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice

DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?

NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?

stopped to pee at a McDonner’s