SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
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Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
