Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s

Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.

I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.

the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.