Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

i hate you platonically

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush

When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie

When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.

Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.

My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.

If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.

Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.

But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation

Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book

Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree

Me: Waldo you rascal!

work smarter, not harder