SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
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me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??