SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
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he looks great for his age
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.