So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
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A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
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[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
#SaturdayBears
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For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
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Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
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Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps