Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

if i’m ever in a coma please put chapstick on my lips

They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:

Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

[Job Interview]

Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.

Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

computer: choose new password

math teacher: algebra

computer: password must contain numbers

math teacher: algebraXY

Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.

What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*