So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
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You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops