Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ

I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.

I visited my doctor today.

He told me my sugar was too high.

So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

cat 911: what ur emergency

my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door

cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs

Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago

Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?

My husband:

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

*hears someone breaking into my house*

Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

I’m ready to try another planet.

Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]

Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?