Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

Legend 🤣🤣

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event

Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.

Partner: One of us?

Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.

Trampolines…

Are great…

For…

Peeing your pants…

A little at a time…

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.

I babysat for my neighbors last night. When they got home, there were dirty cups everywhere, the ice cream was melted and there was red nail polish on the velvet sofa. On the plus side, the kids never woke up.

my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.

The Eggorcist

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful

Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!

Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*

Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*

My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!

Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps