So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
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CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Yes, but it was never about money
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Damn he played himself
Please vote for people who are attractive
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Yup
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣