So Hamburger help me, God
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“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators