“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
You Might Also Like
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
bears
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE