“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
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I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
