Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?

Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*

I hope they boil the right one.

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.

I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp

Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.

Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

🧵 1/246

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.

Brought flowers home to wife.

Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”

Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.