[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
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“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Well, this certainly took a turn
I’m literally crying
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”