Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.

Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.

My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”

Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.

what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.

*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.