Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

[god creating kangaroos]

Let’s make a horse rabbit.

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.

It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.

[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

M: what’s this about, 007?

James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am

M: are you sure?

JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him

M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?

pigeon: coo

M: my god man, you’re right!

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists