“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
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no!! no!!!!!!
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.