Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

Destined to be a firefighter from birth.

My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie

Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”

When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

the duality of man

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

[On a first date]

Her: So, what’s your favorite food?

Me: Bacon

Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?

Me: Bacon

Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Bakin’

Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?

Me: I bring home the…

Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!

doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high

me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

energy cannot be created nor destroyed

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day