Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

We take our 40% off sale seriously at

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”

I think about this a lot.

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.

Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS

me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!

me when i get home: crackers

My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe

If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.

From my Mom

You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!

– OPiranha

Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class