So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
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The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Seas the day!!!!
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A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
A collection of me turning into random objects.
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
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Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
God has abandoned us.
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Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN