Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.

Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.

I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.

Quit 1/3 of the way through.

Ended up with a 2Pac.

God: this animal is called a woodchuck

Angel: because it can ch-

God: lmao no

Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

ㅤ

him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?

me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground

I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”

Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….

The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.

My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school

You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.

They did not miss in the small print

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

[child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”

Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.

[Jeopardy]

Disease for $500 Alex

“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”

What’s better than catching a man cold?

“Correct!”