Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

Leia: You owe child support.

Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.

Leia: You’re standing right here

Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.

“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

Merica.

As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.

Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”

And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call