“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:
1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the deathIf you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
