“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:
1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the deathIf you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
