“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:
1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the deathIf you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”
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Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
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my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.