“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:
1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the deathIf you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
my proudest tweet
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
