“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:
1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the deathIf you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”
![]()
You Might Also Like
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
constantly working on myself.
![]()
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do