So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
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Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home