So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
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I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Sure. Why not?
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.