Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

Him: I like a girl who’s a good host

Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

[chopped]

Judge 1: this is disgusting

Judge 2: the chicken is raw

Judge 3: why are there froot loops

[the rat under my hat starts biting me]

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet

Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

“Aww, what a nice name”

It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name

“What is it?”

Theskywithdiamonds

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

Seekh Kebab
Not attention

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.