So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
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Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.