So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
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THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
what does he know…
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
This is a true ally.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???