So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
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You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
you mean to tell me that wasn’t a drinking fountain you installed in your bathroom toilet?
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Butt weight. There’s more!
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
no such thing as a dumb question
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.