So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
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Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.