So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
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I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten