So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
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Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Phones down.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel