So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
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VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Become ungovernable.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts